Caveman of the Month – Adam Richman
COTM – Adam Richman
We are going to start a new column where I tip my club to someone in modern life, living the caveman dream. There are several ways you can really shine in this department:
1. Extreme Health Awesomeness
2. Physical Accomplishments
3. Lifestyle breakthrough
4. Lack of give a fuck (my favorite)
Adam Richman
COTM – Adam Richman
For those of you that don’t know, Adam Richman came into the spotlight with a show called Man vs. Food. He would essentially scour the universe for extreme eating contests. Let me tell you, Cavemen love nothing more than some good grub. I applaud his efforts and saw some impressive feats of human consumption. However, this left Adam looking like this:
“I’m just big boned”
That alone pretty much meant that he was a fat guy who ate a lot on TV. Not entirely caveman material. However, Adam took charge and lost the weight. 70 lbs! Good job Adam!
*golf clap*
That alone would ALMOST get him to caveman status. But here is where he earns my praise.
Being a bit of a celebrity and TV personality, Adam is required to maintain Facebook, twitter, and other social media presence. He put in the hard work and shared his progress with the world. Adam was so proud of his hard work and discipline that he shared it with the world. He even, gasp, used a hashtag #thinspiration.
Well, now we should all know that you can’t use #thinspiration. One more time, to help this come up on google searches #THINSPIRATION.
Now, I am no internet genius, or twitter master. I maintain a twitter account for the sole purpose of distributing these rantings to the universe, errr… webiverse, whatever. But apparently, you cannot be proud of being thin. No no. There was one particular angry internet troll named Adipose Activist that took it upon herself to “educate” my man Adam.
Whoa, I have heard the camera adds ten pounds. How many cameras were there?
#wheresthebeef
#moo
Now that is a bitch that could skip a meal or two.
Now, I need to qualify some things before I go any further.
1. Being fat is not genetic. Your genetics do not put pizza in your mouth and place your ass on the couch every night
2. If you struggle with weight issues, there is help out there. Please seek it out.
3. Being overweight is hard on your body. It shortens your life span and takes you away from your friends and family sooner.
4. “Big boned” does not exist. I have never seen a skeleton with a double chin.
5. I do not “hate” fat people. I do hate lazy people who make excuses.
6. I have struggled with weight issues my entire life, but believe in my ability to affect change in my own life.
7. Did I mention I hate excuses?
Okay, back to our Caveman of the Month, Adam.
Adipose trolls Adam’s twitter and “educates” him on the dangers of #thinspiration.
“thinspiration is very popular in pro-anorexia and pro-bulimia circles, generally consisting of pictures of emaciated bodies, mantras like ‘what’s more important, that slice of pizza or a thigh gap?’ and suggestions, tips, and motivation to either starve or purge. (Regardless of whether or not you agree with dieting, starving or purging are things that should never be encouraged.) Without context, thinspiration may not seem like a bad word, but a simple google search proves that it was created by a community of people with eating disorders to inspire each other to continue and celebrate their illnesses.”
Okay, I will bite. Let’s do a google image search and see what comes up. First three google images that pop up (since modern people don’t have the attention span beyond that)
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t believe these images are promoting bulimia or eating disorders. These look like the physiques of women who eat clean and exercise. I really like #3 as it shows someone who struggled with weight and overcame the challenges to improve their health. I think that is a very powerful and positive message. However, some people cannot see past their own insecurities and instead of putting in the work themselves, would rather bring other people down to their level on the couch. In none of these pictures do I see an “emaciated” body. I like how the above quote lumps dieting, starving, and purging in the same club.
This is where Adam starts to earn some serious cave cred. His response: “DILLIGAF?” Now, he loses points for doing the whole short text acronym thing, which I despise, but whatever. For those of you who may not know, and I had to look it up, that stands for:
DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK.
*cue applause* #thinspiration #DILLIGAF
So the fat ones rally and engage in a twitter barrage on poor Adam. I am sure his phone didn’t stop with the updates and his agent and publicist probably insisted that he respond. I’m sure he felt like he stepped in front of a firing squad at the Country Buffet. But he didn’t puss out.
*gasp #thinspiration #cword
#youshouldhavebeenablowjob
I have followed this in the blogging world recently, and most people criticize my man for his comments. The only thing he did wrong
Aside from that, I think he had some good comments in there. Maybe should NOT have used the c-word. People don’t like it, but I think it was merited. I mean, leave her lady bits out of this, she probably hasn’t seen them in a long time. I love this one:
“Grab a razor blade & draw a bath” hahaha #thinspiration #eatadick
Personally I would have told her to suck start a shotgun, but to each his own. Adam even throws it out there that no apology is coming. Bravo…..
Wait….
The power of the internet…..
The power of lazy fat people who are parked at their computer all day….
And his upcoming show is cancelled. Oops. #nevergofullretard
His apology:
“I want to apologize for my inexcusable remarks. My behavior was unbecoming and unacceptable. I’ve long struggled with my body image and have worked very hard to achieve a healthy weight,”
“Instead of responding to comments with compassion, I lashed out in anger,” he continued. “I’m not asking for sympathy, but rather understanding and forgiveness. I can say with certainty that I’m taking a deep look at myself and I’m incredibly sorry to everyone I’ve hurt.”
While he said he wouldn’t apologize, I get it. You have to keep the media machine happy. I am sure he was under incredible pressure to apologize. So while I think he should have stood his ground and continued to NOT GIVE A FUCK, I give him a pass. I have the luxury of a day job while I write this blog. His TV gig is his day job. So you have to continue to put food on the table and provide a roof over your head. I get it man.
Here is where I stand on the issue.
I think we live in a messed up world, where you aren’t allowed to be proud of your health and fitness accomplishments. He should have been commended for his progress.
I think it is sad that it is okay to be proud of being obese, but you can’t be proud of being fit.
You can take pictures of your fat ass eating three Big Macs because you think fat is beautiful, but yet you claim your obesity is “genetic.”
Everyone in the blogosphere is so afraid of offending people, that right when we get to the meat of topics, everyone retreats with apologies and PC comments.
Well, I don’t make a living from this page, so here we go.
To Adipose Activist –
You are fat.
It is not a good look.
You are the reason my plane tickets cost more.
If my man Adam needs to apologize for being thin, you need to apologize for being fat. ‘Tit for tat.’ Fit for Fat? I may be onto something here. #fitforfat
So, to Adam Richman, I tip my club to you this month and say Bravo. Keep doing it right. You go eat the largest hamburger in the US or the hottest Buffalo wings in the South. Just make sure you don’t miss a workout and eat clean the rest of the time. You sir, are an honorary Caveman.
And don’t fix your Give a Fuck, I like it broken.
Week 1 Recap
Okay, everyone bear with me as we have some catching up to do.
Diet
A typical day this week looked something like this:
6:00 Wake
6:15 Whey Protein Shake
6:45 Workout
7:30 Whey Protein Shake
9:00 Oatmeal (Plain) and hard boiled eggs
11:30 Lunch (Leftovers mostly consisting of chicken and either salad or steamed veggies)
2:00 Lowfat Cottage Cheese (The full fat isn’t bad for you, I just don’t like the taste)
4:00 Unsalted mixed nuts
6:00 Dinner (Meat and vegetables here. This week we did chicken, beef, lamb really just trying to mix it up. Lots of grilled vegetables as I love to grill!)
9:00 Casein Protein Shake
10:00 Bed
Exercise
Monday: Deadlift
Tuesday: Bench
Wednesday: Cardio
Thursday: Military Press
Friday: Squat
The Results
The most notable and important but impossible to measure was my wife’s reaction. She is jokingly starting to call me muscles.
Weight: 202
B.F: 22%
So, I lost 5 lbs and 1% body fat in the first week. Not too bad. Stay tuned for more updates. The easiest way to stay tuned is to subscribe to the RSS Feed at the top right.
Thanks!
Week 1: The Theory Begins
So, we have finished up the fat week with three servings of pizza and a case of beer. The photos were taken (you will not be subject to these at this point) and submitted, the measurements were written down, and the cupboards have been emptied of temptation.
Now, everyone is probably wondering why my efforts merit blogging. Well, if this is your first time in cyber space, I will direct you to blogs such as the following*:
*Disclaimer: Please do not visit these sites if you actually value your sanity. I merely reference them to prove a point, and take my word for how much of a waste of time they are.
Now that you have wasted some brain cells, you can see that my little corner of the blogosphere must offer at least something of quality compared to your other options. So, if you have nothing better to do today, read along as we map out my plan of attack on how to get Caveman Shredded.
DIET
“Abs are made in the kitchen”
I had always heard this term, and it never quite sank in. Are we making ab soup? Do I do 1000 crunches a day in the kitchen? Is there something about working out while holding a sandwich that unlocks the primordial goo that will enable us to shred like the Hulk? Nope.
It’s very simple. What you eat, directly determines what you become.
Can you build a brick house out of shit? Perhaps maybe after letting it dry, and then throwing the poo in the trash and driving to home depot and buying bricks. So, unique circumstances and superior logic aside, let’s operate under the premise the in=out and “shit in” = “shit out.” Capiche?
If you would like to read in-depth about some topics we will cover later you can start here:
Cliff notes: High carb, sedentary lifestyles increase cortisol and makes you fat. Lower your carbs and increase your activity and your body will align it’s hormones and naturally reduce your fatassness.
The dietary plan for Caveman?
The Paleo Solution will be followed to about 85%.
Highlights:
High Protein
High Fat
No Gluten
Low Carb
Drink Water
We are not going to count calories or count carbs. We are not going to weigh our food or measure things with calipers. Very simply, pick up the package and read what you are putting into your body. If it says sugar, put it down. Better yet, let’s stop buying things that come in packaging for the most part. Here is how will we will shop:
Go to the store and ask yourself WWCMD? (WHAT WOULD A CAVE MAN DO?)
Would the caveman buy Oreos and Doritos? No.
Would the caveman buy individually sealed and frozen microwave dinners? No. (Hint: He didn’t own a microwave)
MEAT GROUP
A caveman would head straight to the meat department, so that is where we will go. From here, let’s fill our cart up halfway with meat. Let’s be diverse and include beef, chicken, pork, lamb, turkey, and maybe a couple of varieties of fish. Bonus points for choices that include multiple animals in one pass like homemade sausage or “Turducken.”
Cavemen did not live on lean, grass-fed, chicken alone. If he stumbled across a buffalo that had eaten tree bark its whole life, he threw a spear at it, and then cooked up the deliciousness. Pigs eat mostly garbage, but I guarantee if one crossed his path what would he do? Reject the product because it contained fat
NO!!! He would……Eat the pig! Or perhaps in Caveman time periods, there was a substantial risk that the pig would eat our hero. Nevertheless, when popular culture and media tells you to focus on lean, organic, grass-fed blah blah blah – stick your fingers in your ears and hum along as you enjoy your delicious meal.
We are looking for protein and diversity here people, that is all. Do not get bogged down in the details. I guarantee that eating a pork chop from your local grocery store is still a better health decision than a burger and fries from a local fast food restaurant. Don’t get me wrong, if you are already a pro at this Paleo eating thing, there is nothing wrong with picking meat preferentially based on quality. In the early stages of any new plan, we need to focus on simple and the simple tenet here is buy and eat meat!
Now that we have bought close to our body wight in flesh, let’s graze over to the produce section. Now, most grocery stores are going to try to trick you here so watch out for the following issues:
1. Bread aisle in between butcher and produce section
“I bought all this meat, so we need hamburger buns, right?”
No! You are going to learn to eat the meat and love it. We will entertain options for how to enjoy the meal with the bun, but the short version is close your eyes and run screaming through the bread section.
“But they have bread that is all organic, whole grain, flax-seed, omegas, blah blah blah…..”
I stopped listening at bread. I don’t care what they put on the label or what buzz word is driving you towards the bread aisle. If it contains wheat, gluten, flour, bread, any of these words your instruction are to scream and run.
2. Magazine Racks
“Look, look, this magazine has ten ways to lose weight in 10 days.”
Stop listening to pop culture and the media when it comes to your health. There is a reason that we are the most medically advanced in Human History and the life expectancy in the United States is DECREASING!!! The people who publish those magazines do it to make money and sell product. This blog is free, and I will give you all the tools you need to succeed.
VEGGIE GROUP
Your instructions here are simple. Buy as much as you want of the things that come out of the ground as your little heart desires. Exercise moderation with potatoes. Try to mix and match colors.
Buy limited fruit, but you can get enough for one serving per day.
Pick up a variety of raw, unsalted nuts.
That is all. You may now leave the store.
“But Caveman, what about the food pyramid?”
The food pyramid is a scam. I won’t bore you with my tinfoil hat theories. Just know that it is garbage.
“What is the purpose of the rest of the store?”
Stores are businesses and they make money. They make more money off processed food and garbage. Buy the fresh stuff, the other stuff will survive on the shelf. Ie. not your problem.
Can I buy things like toilet paper?
YES
EXERCISE
No caveman is complete without ripply abs and big arms. So, the theory here is to get big and strong.
The theory is simple and it goes like this:
Muscle burns fat
Fat is undesirable
Muscle is then desirable
We are going to follow a very simple plan developed by Jim Wendler
Buy the book if you want to know all the ins and out and details. I have read it and am going to break it down very simply here, but the credit goes to Jim.
Lift, Eat, Water, Sleep
My workout routine focuses on building muscle up front assuming that as the body increases muscle mass, it will increase the average daily caloric load, which is turn will burn fat.
“But Caveman, everyone I see at the gym spends hours on the treadmill”
Some cardio is okay. Lots of cardio is a waste of time. Do you see Lion’s running laps around the Serengeti? No. They save their energy for when they need it. The hunt. And this is how you should approach your life. Also, ask yourself if you think you would rather look like a professional marathoner or a sprinter?
Which person do you think get’s more action?
I mean, some people may enjoy the skeleton on the left, but my experience at the bars in the wild has been that the person on the right would be more successful when dealing with the opposite sex, job interviews, looking good in formal clothes, and not hurting themself when siting down.
Workout Plan
Monday:
Military Press
Tuesday:
Squat
Wednesday:
Optional High Intensity Cardio
Thursday:
Bench Press
Friday:
Dead Lift
That’s it. It’s truly easy to follow. I use the calculator found in Jim Wendler’s blogspace to calculate my reps and plan my sets. But essentially this is all I do.
“But Caveman, I do 100 reps at 5% of my 1RM (1 rep max – ie. the most you can lift)”
You are wasting time and are part of the reason I wish I could afford to open my own gym. I would establish a 45 minute time limit and start throwing people out at that point. I would also not have televisions in my gym.
Stop the nonsense of low weight, high rep. Go into the gym, lift heavy things*, achieve hypertrophy, become strong, and your body will love you for it.
*Please consult with you physician before any exercise plan. I don’t enjoy being sued.
“But caveman, I can only work out 4 days a week”
Eliminate the cardio day
“But Cavemen, I can only work out 3 days a week”
Now you are making excuses and starting to bother me. If you own a television, and it is ever on, then you have time to go to the gym. If you cannot afford a gym membership, there are plenty of heavy things you can lift at home, starting with your own fast ass. If your ass is not fat enough to elicit muscle hypertrophy, lift your neighbor, he probably has a huge ass.
“But Caveman, excuses, excuses, excuses, ”
When asked how he was so productive, Richard Branson responded with ““Work out.” If one of the richest people in the world, who manages multinational corporations and jet sets constantly can work out, so can the rest of us.
TRACK YOUR PROGRESS
Some of the best advise I ever received was people don’t do what you expect, they do what you inspect.
If you do not track your progress, you will probably fail.
Do the following:
1. Weigh in
2. Measure body fat
3. Measure body dimensions (go to www.bodybuilding.com for instructions and some really good tracking sheets)
4. Keep a record of your workouts and enter them into an online format
5. Record your meals (Mrs. Caveman goes as far as taking pictures of everything she eats)
6. Find like-minded people and share in the joys of better health
7. Compete – Human beings are driven to compete. If you enjoy running, sign up for a Tough Mudder. If you like lifting, see about entering a body changes contest like Summer Shred. Whatever the case, find some way to compete. I guarantee that it will provide motivation and spark something inside you that perhaps you have never felt. That feeling is excitement and the primal urge to win.
CAVEMAN STARTING STATS
Weight: 207 lbs
B.F: 23%
Height: 5’11”
GET PRIMAL!!!
So, let’s all hit the grocery store, donate your junk food to a charity, find heavy things to lift and let’s starting getting our lives headed in the right direction.
Also, this is a very new blog space for me, so comment, tell your friends, and pass this information along. Facebook, Twitter, etc is coming…
The Anti-Paleo Update (Day 4)
So, 4 days into wrecking my body for financial gain and I figured it was time for an update.For those of you just tuning in, I am currently fatting up in order to take a satisfactory “before” photo for a bodybuilding contest. Cash, prizes, and fame are on the line, so it is essential that we sandbag, lie, cheat and steal. Mrs. Caveman needs a vacation and the spoils of this contest will hopefully get us there.
So far this week, we have been successful at being “Anti-Paleo.” I wasn’t able to take pictures of the twice McDonalds greatness or the Carl’s Jr. wonderment simply because my caveman paws lunged for the food before proof could be attained.
One perk to the corporate office life is that there is no shortage of provided lunches. Yesterday, we were treated to delicious breakfast burritos from the bar next door.
Mmmmm….. Sleepy Time
Notice the shear disregard for human figures with the copious amounts of bacon, cheese, sour cream, oversized deliciously gluten filled tortilla, and did I mention bacon? Also, nothing hates waistlines more than delicious chips. The quinessential empty calorie. We all know that most renditions of prehistoric man are of him holding crisps and sitting on his ass.
Today, we ventured to the local hotdog eatery where their interpretation of “jumbo” was skewed but the spoils were still delicious.
So good, couldnt take a picture without biting it
Bread, bread, and fries. MMMMmmmmmm….. The Homer Simpson in all of us drools…..
I am pretty sure there was protein somewhere on that plate, and the greens serve no purpose other than to trick us into thinking we are being healthy.
I am hoping that my body will survive until Sunday. I can definitely tell that as the week progresses I get sleepier in the afternoons and my motivation is shrinking. Truly, this is why Cavemen invented tools, fire, and eventually farmed. It was so that we could all feel lethargic and sleepy in the afternoons and plunk down on our couches once the sun goes down and wait for television to get dull enough for us to cash in for the night. Our prehistoric forefathers would be proud…
Stay tuned to see if I even survive it to the weigh in.
The Anti-Paleo Solution
Over the years, I have been a bit of a diet fiend. Soup diets, juicing diets, gluten free, carb free, all raw, etc.
Starting March 25, 2013 I am entering the bodybuilding.com Summer Shred contest
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/2013-bsn-summer-shred-challenge.html
Edit: That is not me in the photos.
So, in order to take a good “before’ photo, I need to make sure I look as fat and miserable as possible so that the after photo is that much better.
Checklist for before photo:
Pale skin
Need a haircut
No gym for a week before
As flabby and bloated as possible
The pale part is easy since it is still winter in Colorado. I am in desperate need of a haircut, so we can hold off for one more week. And I am enjoying sleeping in this week and skipping the gym.
Now the fun part – Looking flabby and bloated.
I have one week to effectively be fat and disgusting knowing that on Monday March 25, 2013 it will all change. This will all culminate on Saturday night when my family goes to Crave, a local burger restaurant. Stay tuned for the related story.
The meal plan:
A year ago I read The Paleo Solution: The Original Human Diet by Robb Wolf. You can find more information here http://robbwolf.com/shop/products/the-paleo-solution-the-original-human-diet/
Since I had experienced solid results eating Paleo, the only natural assumption would be to eat the opposite for fat and flabby results. So this week my diet will consist of:
Processed Food
Fast Food
Bread, Bread, Bread
Anything Gluten
Processed sugars
Any junk food I can think of craving over the next 12 weeks.
On Sunday we will weigh in and take photos and all of you Caveman Adventurers can track my progress every week right here.
Stay tuned for reviews on how to pack on the pounds right before we dive into removing the pounds!
Caveman Adventures 
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